Just a kid

Angel Almaraz

When I was younger,

if I didn’t talk for a while, my lips would seal shut

In reality, this seal could easily be broken if I opened my mouth or licked my

lips

But I felt the bond that glued my mouth should be intact for as long as it

could last

The other day, the same thing happened

But instead of the lack of chapstick paired with dry air shutting me up, it

was my lack of words

And instead of wanting to see how long my silence would last, seconds,

minutes, hours, I never wanted to talk again

When I was younger, I never wanted to have both headphones on because I

was scared I’d miss out on the world beyond

But now, I blast music, shutting the world out, wishing it would all miss me

When I was younger, I would turn upside down and think the world looked

funny

Now I see the funny world and think it’s turned upside down

When I was younger, I’d shut my eyes to make my own northern lights

dance behind my eyelids

Now, I cry and I cry until I can’t watch blurred figures move in and out of my

life

When I was younger, I’d reach up and try to touch the sky

Now, I’m in the sky and try to jump to touch the ground

When I was younger, my mom would tell me to wash my hands and make

sure no bugs came in after I came into the house

Now, every time I think of past memories my skin crawls and i itch to scrub

myself free and raw

When I was younger, I was always in a rush;

It was always “When I get older...”

Now, if someone gave me the chance I’d go rushing back to that same damn

past

because, yes, it was brutal and,

yes, it has baggage, but back then I didn’t know it

Back then,

it was all so simple

Back then,

I didn’t have to deal with keeping up with my prescriptions;

my antidepressants

my antipsychotics

my anxiety medication

my attention medications

my mood stabilizers

Back then,

I didn’t have to deal with switching therapists every year

A weekly visit to another office with PhDs on the wall

Back then,

I didn’t know how hard it could feel to be alive

Now I wish I lived more back then

Now I wish to go back when

the nights weren’t so hard and the days weren’t so long

Now, I really think I miss back then,

Now, I know not to wish for a different then and cherish my current now.