Dear Self

Sydni Washington

Dear 4th grade self

I’m sorry

I’m sorry for not telling you sooner that you’d be living a life you sometimes

wouldn’t recognize as yours

I’m sorry for not warning you that little Sydni’s world took 10 months to shift

About 3 years later to drift..away

I would be lying to you if i said this is what life is

Dear 6th grade self

As you talk yourself off the ledge

You cry in despair from the sketch..

That you created inside of your head

Much less half developed

But i beg

You gaze in the mirror with tear burns

While you haze your vision-

Tilting your head side to side

“I don’t like what I see”

Are you really a reflection of me?

Dear 8th grade self

No one gives you an instruction manual on how to get through middle school..

without a big brother

No daily teasing more of-

swelling stinging

Your eyes cut to the sibling pair

But your jealousy flares

“Why couldn’t I be like them??”

not only does her life look complete but her skin does too

You run to the bathroom after 2

Yet again cuff your hand around your wrist to-

Make sure it fits inside of the boundary you limited it–

Too– you and I suffer alike

Body comments trigger a calorie scoreboard in the mind

But I beg to press rewind–

Back to the time

When scars weren’t skin

And hurt wasn’t kin

When I had up a wall

But now I guess we playin’ trauma volleyball

“What’s got you hurt”?

What’s got me hurt...?

My pleads became reads

My amens became I mean’s

I lost a brother

And almost another–

Part of myself

I almost stuttered

I go through the loss of sanity

But now I catch myself saying “you mean so much to me”

Only to get my heart ripped apart

This might be my most emotional piece of art (laugh)

But if we wanna talk about loss

Lets ricochet or maybe play toss

I have a lot to share

And a lot of deflection

I wanted to give little syd something to look up to

But the only thing she sees is her reflection–

So dear 4th grade self

Im sorry

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be perfect

I’m sorry my version of worth it–

Isn’t ideal

You need a hand to hold

Some space to heal

But I continue to try my best

You managed to accomplish a lot of success

You’re– pouring out vulnerability to a crowd that’s only ever heard you spit humili-

ty–

So to me that’s a win

Dear syd

The stuff you went through is beyond tough

But if I can impact even just one person with my gruff-

That’s more than enough